Being a friend. It’s easy. Being a good friend. It’s rough.
I have made mistakes in the past and I’m certainly making them now. Truth is, I haven’t always been a great friend or great a person in general to those I care about. In fact, I used to think that valuing people at this age was so useless because I wouldn’t even see 90% of them after high school.
But, I was even more of fool for not seeing the people that still cherished me and had faith in me even though I was such a condescending cynic.
You see, there people who are called “toxic friends.” These so-called friends might be good at heart, but still not at all good for you. They’re these alluring people who you want to be around because their presence just makes you feel like something. Not necessarily a good something or a bad something…just…something.
And for you to be a decent friend that’s even worth their consideration, you must abide by their standards. Otherwise, they punish you in different ways.
Here just some “punishments” I have witness firsthand:
- the cold shoulder
- deliberate ignoring
- a-lot of back talking
You know, someone actually threw some Japanese peach jelly at me. I think it was her way of saying sorry in a very passive aggressive way. But the thing was… for starters, they threw it at me. Second, it landed on the floor. I was extremely tempted to just shove back at her because I’m not an animal that eats off the floor, but I held back.
And I don’t know why!
Why do I have to hold back hurt feelings? It wasn’t like I didn’t want the delicacy. Nor was it her being overtly mean.
See, toxic friends make you worry and they make you scared.
One of my (sort of former?) close friends said, “Oh, I’m kind of scared her.” After we failed making some stupid poster. (Talking about the same person who threw some silly jelly at me.)
And I just asked her, “Why would you be scared?” What I really wanted to say to her was…
You should NEVER. EVER. have to worry about what your real friends are thinking about or what the consequences are. Because if they really cared, they’d either say it to your face or at least consult a trustworthy (most likely mutual) confidant and then talk to you.
The biggest problem is, toxic friends are NOT bad people. That’s exactly what makes them toxic. They’re actually often times, excellent advice givers and just a fun person to be around.
There was another person who–in my mindset–I deeply cared for so much. And I did everything I could to make sure to help in any situation as much as possible. Sometimes I even let her bring me down. It wasn’t something intentional. It was always just a tad more than subtle like “Oh, you have a paper due? I have a paper, a competition, a conference, and an event to organize all this week.”
Even though I didn’t like that about her, I still accepted it. But it wasn’t enough. So I felt like I wasn’t enough.
And I shouldn’t have felt that way for even a second.
I want to say I’m sorry to the REAL friends who have loved me for me. Flaws and all. Sorry for only just realizing this. And thank you so much for still being here. I don’t know if you guys are even reading this, but whatever. I love you. Always will. Let’s make these last few months really count.
To my toxic friends, I really do value what we had or maybe still have. I don’t think our relationship is very healthy though. So I’ve decided to not live under you, but look at you with both eyes at an equal level. I may have cut you off…so for that case…Thanks for the memories.