i cannot believe i am writing this…

First of all, for my close to none interested readers, sorry for the long break! I just graduated and have been enjoying my time off. I’ll get back to writing very soon!

Anyways.

I have just left a place of biologically immature teenagers. Leaving high school some of us have come out better and some of came out just…mediocre. Regardless of where they fall on that spectrum, they have people that truly care for them and really don’t. It’s a natural thing and nothing to be so upset over. This is a new chapter in our lives and there is no time to dwell on those things.

Thus as a symbol of a fresh start, I created new Facebook. Wow! So dramatic! O-M-G, I AM SUCH AN INSPIRATION! SUCH A LIFE CHANGING DECISION! A NEW FACEBOOK!

I don’t know why some people make such a fuss about this.  Whether they weren’t friended or not, does it matter? It’s such a shame that I’m writing this when I could be writing my terrible poetry or imageless fiction. But, to be honest, it’s my only muse right now.

So why weren’t you friended, cancelled, or unanswered?

  1. It’s not important. I’m not taking a lot requests right now from anyone unless I’m really close to you or have something with you in the future. Like college. But even those, I’ve  been putting to the side. I want to detach myself a little and focus on the people that matter to me IN PERSON. So, excuse me if I’m too lazy to press “confirm” on Facebook.
  2. The value of privacy. I used to be a Facebook obsessed, attention-seeking teen in my younger days, but not so much anymore. However, I don’t want my Facebook to be a platform where I have mere acquaintances watching and scrutinizing the meaningless things I do. Social media has become very versatile over the years. It can go from a harmless cat video to a battlefield with bombs going off with every little word you type. Personally, I have been through cyberbullying and it’s not fun. So, I have made it goal for me to close off personal accounts to people other than my friends. It’s not that I think I’m a celebrity and think I have paparazzi around me 24/7. I just feel more comfortable this way.
  3. We’re not really friends. Simple. I don’t really like you or don’t really know you. So maybe you can rethink our relationship and come back to me in five years. Some people think it’s good to be friends with everyone and not be exclusive. However, I don’t necessarily see it that way for myself. As I become older, I am noticing how hard it is to maintain friendships. I don’t see a point in calling someone a “friend” if it isn’t valuable to me or the them. That does not mean you have to live up to some kind of standard. Just, I want to at least kind of know you.

I post a lot of random, personal, and teenager-y things on this blog because writing has been an outlet for me and I am a biologically immature teenager. From these posts I hope readers are entertained and may see a new perspective. I don’t want this to be place where I call out names of people because everything I write is anonymous and if it’s about you, you will know. If you have assumptions, go ahead. But you’re probably wrong. Only to those who are THAT familiar with me have I disclosed very specific information to. So, please don’t second guess yourself. Read this blog with fun and comfort or don’t read at all.

This post will be down by (latest) the end of the summer (if I don’t die of cringe).

-a.j.c

 

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i cannot believe i am writing this…

Acid.

Being a friend. It’s easy. Being a good friend. It’s rough.

I have made mistakes in the past and I’m certainly making them now. Truth is, I haven’t always been a great friend or great a person in general to those I care about. In fact, I used to think that valuing people at this age was so useless because I wouldn’t even see 90% of them after high school.

But, I was even more of fool for not seeing the people that still cherished me and had faith in me even though I was such a condescending cynic.

You see, there people who are called “toxic friends.” These so-called friends might be good at heart, but still not at all good for you. They’re these alluring people who you want to be around because their presence just makes you feel like something. Not necessarily a good something or a bad something…just…something.

And for you to be a decent friend that’s even worth their consideration, you must abide by their standards. Otherwise, they punish you in different ways.

Here just some “punishments” I have witness firsthand:

  1. the cold shoulder
  2. deliberate ignoring
  3. degradation
  4. a-lot of back talking

You know, someone actually threw some Japanese peach jelly at me. I think it was her way of saying sorry in a very passive aggressive way. But the thing was… for starters, they threw it at me. Second, it landed on the floor. I was extremely tempted to just shove back at her because I’m not an animal that eats off the floor, but I held back.

And I don’t know why!

Why do I have to hold back hurt feelings?  It wasn’t like I didn’t want the delicacy. Nor was it her being overtly mean.

See, toxic friends make you worry and they make you scared.

One of my (sort of former?) close friends said, “Oh, I’m kind of scared her.” After we failed making some stupid poster. (Talking about the same person who threw some silly jelly at me.)

And I just asked her, “Why would you be scared?” What I really wanted to say to her was…

You should NEVER. EVER. have to worry about what your real friends are thinking about  or what the consequences are. Because if they really cared, they’d either say it to your face or at least consult a trustworthy (most likely mutual) confidant and then talk to you.

The biggest problem is, toxic friends are NOT bad people. That’s exactly what makes them toxic. They’re actually often times, excellent advice givers and just a fun person to be around.

There was another person who–in my mindset–I deeply cared for so much. And I did everything I could to make sure to help in any situation as much as possible. Sometimes I even let her bring me down. It wasn’t something intentional. It was always just a tad more than subtle like “Oh, you have a paper due? I have a paper, a competition, a conference, and an event to organize all this week.”

Even though I didn’t like that about her, I still accepted it. But it wasn’t enough. So I felt like I wasn’t enough.

And I shouldn’t have felt that way for even a second.

I want to say I’m sorry to the REAL friends who have loved me for me. Flaws and all. Sorry for only just realizing this. And thank you so much for still being here. I don’t know if you guys are even reading this, but whatever. I love you. Always will. Let’s make these last few months really count.

To my toxic friends, I really do value what we had or maybe still have. I don’t think our relationship is very healthy though. So I’ve decided to not live under you, but look at you with both eyes at an equal level. I may have cut you off…so for that case…Thanks for the memories.

-A.J.C.

Acid.

Starting Over

This post has nothing to do with the fact that I just deleted everything that was originally on this blog.

A new beginning. Smells like dewy, fresh cut grass of the morning. Sounds like something nostalgic, but still avant-garde. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen a decent patch of grass for a long time.

Before senior year started, I made a promise to myself. That I would be more honest with myself and to others. Even if it meant hurting myself and others. I made this decision because for the past seventeen years of my life, I have tried so hard to be someone that everyone could at least like. Being “likable” was much better than being picked on for being different.

And honestly it’s the best decision I’ve made in my life.

I tell my classmates and underclassmen about my decision and anecdotes about my bitter words to people I GENUINELY HATE. I tell them and I’m telling you that it’s totally okay to hate people as long as you have a justified reason. That it’s only more stressful to put up a front for these people who just aren’t worth your time.

However, the response I often get is:

“Oh, it’s because you’re a senior.”

“I want to be like that, but only when it doesn’t matter anymore.”

With all honesty, I understand. There’s a certain type of stigma that makes you afraid and very conscious of others’ impression of you. Because in a small school like mine, it doesn’t take much to change the overarching opinion about one person.

But the happiest people that I’ve personally seen, are the people that genuinely don’t give. These people understand that there are people that truly care about them and that’s sufficient enough. As long as you have a certain few, everyone else is just…well…everyone else.

Does it still sound that scary?

– A.J.C

Starting Over